Every night I find myself counting down the hours and minutes until I can put the kids to bed and have “my time.” The definition of which was to watch bad television, surf facebook, and lay on the couch in an exhausted heap. Let me be completely honest, there are days that I am looking forward to being in bed by 9:00pm.
Each evening is the same: brush teeth, Bible story, and prayers. And for the baby, a bath, a bottle, a little snuggle, and she's done.
Everyone keeps telling me, slow down, take it all in, years from now you'll miss it.
And after what seems like an eternity, the children will all finally be in bed. I will kiss them all, tuck them into bed, and sing “i love you, a bushel and a peck” a few times. Like I have every night for the past seven years, and like I will for at least the next 10, or however long they will let me.
I’ll go downstairs and pick up the articles of clothing and toys that have been discarded around the house and bring them to the laundry room. I’ll straighten up around the house and kick the random shoes into a pile before I flop onto the couch.
Children will come downstairs, in turn, needing water, needing a hug, get a toy that has been forgotten, or just tell me something of earth shattering importance that has been forgotten until that moment. After several rounds of this I’ll tell them that I am off duty and all further discussions will need to wait until morning.
Someone will test this.
As I go to bed that night I’ll check in on my babies, all finally asleep. I will marvel at how big they are sprawled across their beds. The sight of their scraped knees and bruised shins will make me smile, because it will mean they were having fun playing outside. Each night I’ll study their faces for a minute after I tuck each one in, and I’ll pause at the bedroom door and say, ‘I love you.’ I think they can hear me in their dreams…
And right before I leave their rooms, I’ll pause for a moment to hear them softly breathe. I still need to do this. No matter how big they get.
They don’t know I do this. They will have no memory of it. They wouldn’t understand anyway. Not until they have children of their own will they understand.
And days similar to this one will happen again and again. Another chance to do it better. Another chance to be the mother I long to be…
Nanna and Grace
Charlie being silly
New baby Noah, what a cutie!
And his big sis Kenzie
